Oh hi lol
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There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.