Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.