Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
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HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
BRO LMFAO
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.