Oh, I bet you would be
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ok hear me out: Luigiana
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.