“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays
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ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
found my next D&D character name
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME