Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
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Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes