“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
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*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon