oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
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[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
<—- homeless romantic
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.