Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
You Might Also Like
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Nigella has gone too far this time.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.