Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
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What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us