“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
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space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.