1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
You Might Also Like
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”