Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
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[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*