Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
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It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.