Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
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Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Just a bush.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies