Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
You Might Also Like
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Simple
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.