@The_Sculptress Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
@jordan_stratton Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
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@The_Sculptress 
@DothTheDoth Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
@Reverend_Scott “SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
@bewgtweets Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
@mjkspeaks Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
@XplodingUnicorn [church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
@mompsychologist Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
@monaliesasmile I need to update my racial profile.
@Clanopath I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
@CaptWordbeard 