@jordan_stratton

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

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@The_Sculptress

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

@DothTheDoth

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

@Reverend_Scott

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

@bewgtweets

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

@mjkspeaks

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

@XplodingUnicorn

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

@mompsychologist

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

@Clanopath

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.