“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
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Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed