“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
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A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people