Oh my God.
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both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Whoa 😂
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
lol
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching