“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
You Might Also Like
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
fly smarter, not harder
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
They’re on their honeymoon
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.