Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
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My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.