“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
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It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?