“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
You Might Also Like
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Jesus Christ lmao
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.