“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
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Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
This is always good for a laugh.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Taliband
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
The days of good grammer has went
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november