OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
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When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
next level snooze
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
classic mixup
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.