“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
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CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.