Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.