Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
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[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
first you must answer his riddles
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend