Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
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Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?