Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap