Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
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Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
drew a comic about my origin story
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate