“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
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Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.