Oh no 😂😂💔😭
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Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I’ve been learning to cook.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.