Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
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AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
When you kidnap a writer.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
As the Lord intended
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.