Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
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This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Brands during Pride
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
*knuckle tats*
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