Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
You Might Also Like
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.