Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
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God has abandoned us.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?