Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
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Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
You can’t outrun your problems…