Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

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So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.


When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.


Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.


If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”


what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
haha I love it


[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always


My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.


I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.


ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff