”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
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Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.