Oh no
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They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*