Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
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I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.