Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
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My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
i think both sides are to blame here
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby