Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
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i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”