Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
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Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
584.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Every haunted house movie:
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.