Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
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I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.