Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
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Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM