“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
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*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?