Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
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Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.