oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
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i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
This came to me in a dream.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]