“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
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*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”