“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
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What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.